Cannot Explain
by Mizuki Tsukino
Summary: Dirk/Karkat, orange creamsickles. Humanstuck. Dirk is lonely so he makes a rather interesting new friend. Friendship, romance, sadness, loss, and love ensue. mentioned DirkJake and Roxy/Jane. Rating subject to change. reviews are love. Homestuck and all characters belong to the HUSS **edited. There will probably be regular edits. Nothing big, just grammar fixes mainly.
1. A Friendship Formed

Your name is Dirk Strider and _damn _you are bored. It's a slow Saturday and Bro is nowhere to be found – no surprise. He's hardly home. Not that you care too much. Being alone isn't so bad. But you have literally _nothing _to do.  
You slip your phone out of your pocket and scroll through your contacts. The list is long but there's really only three numbers you ever use. But Jane is still angry with you for stealing Jake from her last summer, Jake is still awkward over the resulting break up, and Roxy… Well she was dealing with some issues that call for a lot of alone time.  
Then an unfamiliar number catches your eye. You smirk and send a text with the most perverted, depraved thing your 17 year old mind can come up with. Needles to say, it's pretty bad. Whoever was unfortunate enough to have their number written on the wall of a public restroom should enjoy that. Your phone buzzes.

?: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?  
YOU: That's not a very nice greeting.  
?: AND YOURS WAS? HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER?!  
YOU: It was written on a bathroom wall.  
?: JESUS FUCK THAT IS SO STUPID, WHO THE HELL WROTE IT THERE?

YOU: How should I know?  
?: SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

You chuckle to yourself and run a hand through your pale hair. This guy sure is entertaining.

YOU: Aw come on, I'm feeling lonely.  
?: GO BOTHER SOMEONE YOU ACTUALLY FUCKING _KNOW _THEN.  
YOU: Fine.

You sigh. Whatever. You drag yourself into the living room and play Portal 'til you fall asleep.

Two days later, you find yourself bored again. Fuck, is there nothing to do here? Nope. It's summer, and no one's wicked cool plans include you. You don't want to admit it, but the solitude around here is getting pretty depressing. You decide to text the angry guy with a caps-lock fetish again.

YOU: Hey, what's up?  
?: YOU AGAIN. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING TO ME AGAIN?  
YOU: Bored.  
?: THAT'S NOT A REAL REASON, DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO TALK TO PEOPLE YOU _KNOW _LAST TIME?  
YOU: Well we know each other now.  
?: NOT EVEN.  
YOU: Then allow me to introduce myself: Dirk Strider, sex god. you?  
?: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS ASSHOLE.  
YOU: That's not how introductions work. You're supposed to tell me your name.  
?: FUCK OFF!

So you stop replying. You don't really want this guy hating you. He's the only person who responds to your messages. It is a "he" you're talking to, right? Shit, you don't even know. You make it your mission to find out next time.  
Your Bro walks in the door then with a box of pizza and you follow him into the kitchen. You eat in silence but you know he can tell something's wrong. He doesn't ask though and you don't say anything about it. That night as you burry yourself in your bed, shades cast off harshly, you feel like you're collapsing in on yourself.

You wake up early. 8 am. You don't know why, considering you usually can't be bothered to get up before noon. A hot shower and a bowl of cereal later you're texting caps-lock-mystery-boy-girl. The usual yelling on their part ensues. It only gets better when you try being flirtatious. He/she is probably blushing like some character from one of your animes. Anime is so cool. Your phone vibrates as you're replying to a particularly good rant. It's Jake. Fuck, this ought to be fun.  
It's six messages long and comes in out of order but you get the gist of it. A combination of apologies and accusations and a lot of things that sound like good bye. This is ridiculous. After ignoring you for months, he decides to dump this all on you. You're not saying the break up was his fault, but he did fuck shit up pretty good. You may have been a tad smothering, but he didn't even want to spend time with you! He'd constantly turn you down for dates and never made the first move. Neither of you were happy and it ended. Well… you may have made a bit of a scene. But who the fuck cares?

Oops, kinda forgot you were talking to someone for a minute there. You delete Jake's message in spite.

?: HEY  
?: HELLO?  
?: DID I FINALLY GET YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE?  
?: AT LEAST _TELL _ME IF YOU'RE REALLY DONE WITH ME  
?: WHATEVER, STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE. I DON'T EVEN FUCKING CARE!  
YOU: Sorry.  
YOU: My ex sent me a long ass message.  
YOU: I needed a minute to process it.  
?: …YOUR EX. WHAT WAS SHE SAYING?  
YOU: he  
?: WHAT?  
YOU: He, my ex is a guy. Jake.  
?: you're gay?  
YOU: Woah, where'd the caps-lock go bro?  
YOU: And yeah, I am. Is that going to be a problem? I didn't peg you as a homophobe.

YOU: I know, did I crush a poor maiden's dreams of gettin with the DiStri?  
YOU: Or maybe I got a boy's hopes started, that'd be interesting.  
?: WHAT THE HELL FUCKASS! I'M A FUCKING BOY.  
YOU: So, you interested?  
?: NO I'M NOT FUCKING "INTERESTED". FUCK THIS SHIT, I'M DONE TALKING TO YOU.

You feel a shot of pain at that. Is he really going to ditch you because you're homo? It wouldn't be the first time it happened. But, you think it's the first time you've genuinely wanted someone to accept you.

YOU: Wait.  
YOU: Come on, I was only joking.  
YOU: Not about the gay part but…  
YOU: You're like my only friend anymore.  
YOU: … Are we friends?

You're aware of how pathetic you're being. That was _really _lame. You should just forget it. Right now. Before you start to-

?: yeah  
?: we're friends

A stupid smile threaten to break out on your face now. Oh. Okay. You have a friend. One you can talk to. One who doesn't currently hate you.

YOU: You know, friends usually know each other's names…  
?: Karkat Vantas  
YOU: Cool. Nice to officially be introduced to boy behind the angry text.  
?: I have to go.  
?: bye.  
YOU: Bye-bye Kar-kitten.  
?: SHUT UP

You sigh and giggle a little. Woah. Giggle? Striders don't do that shit. What's happening to you?

****Edited  
I actually went back and edited so yeah. Love you guys. **


	2. Feelings Can Be So Obvious

Two weeks pass and yeah. You're still friends. And your conversations have evolved from shouting and teasing to something of a little more substance. You learn a lot about each other. He now knows about Bro, your enthusiasm for technology, your three friends (he says they all sound worthless and you have to laugh and reprimand him for that), and about some other, more personal stuff regarding relationships and the genders participating in such. You get a lot of info on Karkat too. He only lives two cities away and you're the same age (he had fun saying he's a whole month older though). He has a soft spot (read: addiction to) romcoms, he's homeschooled along with this "obnoxious asswipe of an older brother with way too much to fucking say". He doesn't really have any friends outside of you and some people he met online – and for similar reasons has never been in any kind of romantic situation. He tells you he's pretty sure he swings both ways though. You tally that as a victory in your mind.  
Wait. What?  
You're name is Dirk Strider and you're falling for your only real friend, Karkat Vantas.

YOU: Hey Karkat?  
KK: WHAT?  
YOU: I want to know what you look like. It's kind of weird thinking of you as just a wall of text.  
KK: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT TO KNOW THAT, ARE YOU SOME KIND OF PERVERT?  
KK: WAIT OF COURSE YOU ARE, I KNEW THIS ALREDY FUCK.  
YOU: Would you shut up and send me a picture of yourself? I'm not going to jerk off to it or anything, damn.  
KK: NO.  
YOU: pleeeaaase?  
KK: …  
KK: YOU FIRST.  
YOU: Oh  
YOU: Okay, coming right up.

Running a hand over your hair a few times to fix it you contemplate removing your shades… But you're not quite ready for Karkat's reaction to your eyes. You hold your phone out at arm's length, smile just a tiny bit, and snap a pic. You check it out. Well… You're pretty sure that is the derpiest little grin you've ever made. This could ruin your reputation if anyone from school saw it, honestly. But This was Karkat. You hit send.

YOU: So?  
KK: WOW THOSE GLASSES ARE SERIOUSLY RIDICULOUS. WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THEM OFF?  
KK: I WANT TO SEE YOUR EYES.  
KK: I MEAN  
KK: FUCK!  
KK: FORGET I SAID THAT  
YOU: It's your turn, no cheating now.

KK: SHUT UP. HOLD ON.

A moment later your phone gives an unfamiliar _ping _that signifies picture mail. You fumble with the OK button to open it in your excitement. I mean what? That totally didn't happen. You're too smooth for that. The photo is being _very _slow about showing itself and you're getting frustrated. And then there it is. There _he _is, displayed on your screen. The first thing you notice is his hair. Holy fuck is it red. That is _bright, _as well as flippy and… soft looking. Next, his eyes. Brown. But not boring, flat brown like you would expect. They're actually deep, like you could fucking dive into them. And they almost look like they have a dark burgundy swirling in them.  
Okay what are you, a poet? In a sense yes so let's continue. You focus more on his whole face. He's not smiling. He's actually grimacing a little – teeth flashing behind somewhat feminine pink lips. You think about what they'd feel like on yours. OKAY ABANDON THAT TRAIN OF THOUGHT GOSH. You can't contain the warmth your feeling as it spills onto your cheeks in a pleasant and _embarrassing _blush as you observe the freckles marching across his nose and pale cheekbones. There's not really anything else to see because a baggy black hoodie hides the rest of him.

YOU: Woooow KK.  
KK: FUCK YOU, YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE FUN OF ME. I KNOW I'M NOT MUCH TO LOOK AT.  
YOU: Woah, chill. I actually think you're really cute.  
KK: …

Okay you regret that a little. Fuck, you hope you didn't wreck shit.

KK: really?

When the small letters come out you know he's being serious. Jeez, does he have self-esteem issues? Well it's not like you're any better you guess.

YOU: Yep. 10/10 would fuck. Completely irresistible.  
KK: …  
KK: SHUT  
KK: UP  
YOU: Make me.  
KK: I AM SO THOUROUGHLY FUCKING UNAMUSED.  
YOU: You know you love it.  
KK: WHATEVER  
YOU: So.  
KK: SO?  
YOU: I think we should meet up.  
YOU: irl  
YOU: That's "in real life", if you didn't know.  
KK: NO  
KK: I MEAN, YES I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS  
KK: NO, WE CANNOT MEET UP.  
YOU: Why the fuck not?  
KK: I'M NOT JUST GONNA MEET UP WITH SOME STRANGER WHO GOT MY NUMBER OFF A BATHROOM WALL. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO WROTE IT THERE BY THE WAY. FUCKING SHIT HEAD.  
YOU: We're not really strangers anymore KK.  
YOU: You know as much about me than any of my other friends.  
YOU: Do you not trust me? I know I can come on strong sometimes but I didn't think I was that bad.  
KK: FUCK  
KK: NO  
KK: THAT'S NOT IT. I JUST… CAN'T. OK?  
YOU: Yeah? Okay. I can deal with that.  
YOU: I don't want to force you into anything, it's fine.  
KK: thank you  
KK: maybe  
KK: maybe we can try getting together sometime later.  
KK: just not now  
YOU: I said it's fine, I mean it. You've obviously got reasons and I can respect that.  
KK: Dirk?  
YOU: Hm?  
KK: you do like me, right?  
KK: you're not just fucking with me?

A dull throb echoes through your chest as a rush of some emotion hits you. You think it's a coupling of sympathy and affection. You wish Karkat was with you so you could hold him and make everything better.

YOU: Are you kidding me?  
YOU: You're pretty much my best friend.  
YOU: Have I ever said anything to make you doubt that?  
KK: best friend… yeah you're right. Thanks.

Best friend. Wow 'cause _that'll _get this relationship to happen. You sigh.

KK: I'M GOING TO SLEEP  
KK: LATER FUCKER  
YOU: Night Karkat.

You go to bed as well but there's an odd sinking feeling in your stomach and you toss and turn all night.

****edited  
I want back and fixed this on up too. Thanks for the reviews, follows, and favorites. **


	3. Some Interesting Developements

Days keep passing and you and Karkat return to normal, the conversation of a few nights ago is not mentioned but it left you both feeling a bit raw. More emotion was actually on the line than you knew. The more you talk to him, the harder it is to hide your growing feelings. You're not really being that subtle anyways but he either doesn't get it or is ignoring it. Either way it's frustrating as Hell. Seriously, you don't think you can go a whole lot longer without just telling him. But nervousness and fear for your friendship are close to outweighing the urge. You go for small victories.

YOU: You should call me sometime.  
YOU: I'd like to hear your voice.  
KK: NOPE  
YOU: Why not?  
KK: NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. GOD, DO YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF PRIVACY.  
YOU: Uh… huh. Touchy much?  
KK: IT'S NOT HAPPENING STRIDER.  
YOU: But why? Is your voice all raspy from yelling all the time?  
YOU: I bet it is. Or maybe you have a funny accent.  
YOU: Do you have an accent KK?  
YOU: 'Cause accents can be kind of hot.  
YOU: Karkat?  
YOU: Uhm, hello?  
KK: SO YOU KNOW HOW YOU WANTED ME TO VISIT YOU?

Okay subject change, that's cool. Actually you don't really notice - the thought of having Karkat with you, in the flesh, overwhelms your mind. You try to keep your mind from wandering down that "in the flesh" thought.

YOU: Yeah. Yeah I fucking remember; are you reconsidering?  
KK: …  
KK: WOULD THIS WEEKEND BE OK?  
YOU: Hell yes, how long do you want to stay?  
KK: ALL WEEKEND? IF YOU WANT.  
YOU: All weekend it is.  
KK: YOU MIGHT CHANGE YOUR MIND LATER.  
KK: JUST A WARNING.  
YOU: Why the hell would I do that?  
KK: IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER YOU'LL KNOW SOON ENOUGH.  
KK: I'LL GO SORT THINGS OUT WITH MY PARENTS I GUESS.  
YOU: So I'll talk to you later?  
KK: probably.

A ridiculous grin is absolutely splitting your face. Karkat is coming over. And… you have two nights to get your shit together for this. Damn. You're not even going to bother telling Bro, he won't be home during the weekend anyways. He's gotta work to keep this fine ass apartment. Speaking of which you send Karkat your address. He doesn't respond but you know he'll get it.

So… what now?

Before that question can even finish in your head your phone starts blaring out your ringtone. Jesus fuck, who is calling you? You answer without checking the name displayed across the screen.

"Hullo?"

"Heeey Dirk," a slightly slurred and all too familiar voice greets you. You're glad it's Roxy, you've been worrying about her lately, but a sense of helplessness kept you from doing anything about it. Still, you smile at the familiarity of her voice. "D'you have any idea how long it's been since I've seen that pretty face of yours?"

"Yeah it's been a while RoLal. How ya been?"

"Pretty bad Strider. Been all by myself over here for a while. Sorting my shit out, y'know?" You cringe a little, knowing exactly what she's talking about. A few months after the Jane and Jake drama had gone down, when you were still sort of sulking and ignoring the world, Roxy's mom had died. Not gonna sugar coat it, she killed herself. Couldn't handle life anymore you guess. Roxy hadn't seemed too torn up over it but you could all see her starting on a slippery slope as the drinking started. It wasn't bad, at first. A drink here and there when she was at home. Then a few more. Then going out and getting trashed every damn night she could. You couldn't help her either. You tried to talk to her a few times near the beginning, but you were just not emotionally capable of being what she needed. You both dropped off the map for a few months.

"Mhm. So there a reason you're callin' me or were you just missin' this sweet voice?" You wouldn't call your hint of a southern drawl left over from a childhood lived in Texas "sweet" but you know Roxy likes it. So you tease her about it. You here her snicker.

"Shoosh. Listen, I..." she pauses - for dramatic effect of course. "Have a plan. So bring that 'plush rump' over to my apartment ASAP!" Plush rump, oh god how did you manage to go 3 months without talking to this girl?

"What do you have in mind?"

"I can't tell youuu!" She sing-songed, still slurring some. "It's a surpriiiise." Roxy dissolved in giggles and you chuckle too.

"Alright, fine. See ya soon."

"Bye-byee Dirk!" You disconnect with her still laughing a bit on the other end.

An hour later you find yourself leaning against Roxy's doorbell impatiently. The door swings open.

"Heeeey Diiiiirk," A sly and flirtatious smile is glued to her face but there's a flicker or worry in her eyes. You... ignore it, giving a greeting as she steps aside to let you in. You also ignore the way she swallows loud enough for you to hear.

You've been over often enough to know your way around and quickly direct yourself to the "entertainment" room, Roxy right behind you. You jerk to a halt in the entrance and the laughter that was echoing off the walls a moment ago dies at the source. Jane and Jake are chatting on the one long leather couch. You ball your fists tensely for a second before feeling a slim but strong hand on your arm. You turn to see Roxy give you a hopeful smile and you decide then to do your best, for her sake and possibly a bit for your own. You smile gently at Jane's look of worry and regret and grant Jake a nod to which he grins uneasily.

And the afternoon goes pretty well. There's always a blanket of tension but it's pushed to the background as you fall into old patterns. Whining about your silly problems, unabashed gossip, and jokes that no one but the four of you would ever find funny. It's like nothing ever came between you. The mood is so nice that you only hesitate slightly when, a few hours into the get together, Jake asks you to accompany him to the kitchen. You knew you'd have to talk to him eventually.

"So… Dirk," You stand and let him figure out exactly what he's going to say. "You know- Err, I don't suppose you've gotten all my messages?" You sigh.

"I got them. And I guess I should've replied but… This is meant to be taken care of face to face,"

"Right! And I'm… I'm terribly sorry for taking so long to let this conversation happen so… Gosh, well I'm just so sorry for ignoring you when we were together, and for letting it end on such a sour note. I'm not very good at this," He laughs nervously. You don't think he's going to say anything else and that that probably is the best he can do. Hell, it's all that he _needed_ to say.

"Jake, it wasn't entirely your fault and you know that. I was… Fuck, to be honest I was desperate to be loved. And when you offered up your feelings I took it as a golden opportunity. I didn't think about what kind of relationship _you _were ready for. I'll admit I was getting clingy near the end and I guess I'm sorry for that. And this whole bullshit situation has fucked up the whole group so-" Fucking Hell this kid was kissing you. Jake _fucking _English somehow thought _this _would be a good time to push his lips on yours. You don't move, don't respond, just stand still and tense until he breaks away, looking like he'd been slapped.

"I- That was _incredibly _foolish of me, please forget that ever happened. I'm not sure what came over me. I guess… Oh bullocks," You throw him a pitying glace and turn to walk back to the main room. You really didn't feel _anything _except annoyance and sadness when Jake kissed you and you're almost thankful it happened – it really drove home the idea of the two of you being _over. _Hopefully now all your old friendships can get back on track. If you could just talk to Jane…

Oh. Okay. You and Jake stop in the archway like you had when you first got here and you hear Jake gasp behind you. Roxy is sitting there, eyes wide as Hell, as Jane is… _kissing her? _You clear your throat loudly and Jane pulls away, whipping her head around to see you. A blush blooms across her face and you smirk a little. Roxy still looks dazed.

"Should I come back later?" You make a little move like you're going to leave again.

"Oh! No. Uhm…" Poor Jane, she's so flustered. Roxy comes to save her.

"Actually boys, I think it's about time you head home," Jane looks at her guiltily and Roxy give you a look. You know you'll be getting all the details later. You kind of suspected something would happen between them eventually.

****

A/N: Sorry if this kind of took a while :) I really like this story and I hope you do to. Thank you all for your continued support, it really means a lot! 


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